Family Bale

I must preface my narrative by describing my current situation. Here I am, in my childhood bedroom watching “Metroland” on my wireless device contemplating my own existence. “What have you done with your life? No wonder you’re bored” said Christian Bale’s friend in said film. So ...it is apparent that I am not lounging somewhere enjoying the casualties of the early 20's. I have accepted the economic deficit as an excuse to ignore any “adult” responsibility and therefore am more prepared to tackle the difficult life questions. Tonight: “To Trap a Skunk. Or Just Chill Out and Let Nature Decide.” Now. Now, on to what is supremely important. My backyard skunk friends. After developing quite a relationship with the first skunk who wandered it’s way across my yard (and suddenly becoming concerned whether it lived or faced an untimely death) I have paid special attention to the scented friends in the back corner. As of Tuesday, I was informed that my dear skunk friend had started his/her own family underneath my family shed in the yard (An address will be provided if you wish to forward a ‘congratulations’ card along.) A loud rustling, which I immediately attributed to my fat cat encountering another neighborhood tomcat , first alerted me to the new miracle. Slowly, I approached the fenced area around the Walker shed only to peek over and find flashes of black and white jumping from one leaf to the next. Several days later I heard the rustling again (btw Christian Bale is fighting his old friend in the movie right now. Woah. Did his wife sleep with his best friend? Watch it.) The skunk has suddenly become a family of 4. The skunk family has no aggressive tendency’s (although my dad says it is only a matter of time) and scampers around the grassy area of the yard searching for grub. What is perhaps most impressive to me is the image of Bambi’s good friend Flower which appeared in my “mind’s eye” as the young skunks chased and teased their mother across the yard. Despite lack of aggression on the part of my dear skunk friends and my own fantasy of animated characters “twitterpated”in fields of lavender I must admit: with each skunk approach I hold my breath and anticipate an imminent stink attack while hiding between pool chairs and only breathing when necessary. But, please! Don’t worry! Everything worked out fine for Christian Bale and Emily Watson.

My dear Skunkalufogus

Well, I suppose we can all rest easy for the time being as perhaps the skunkapocalypse is not as near as feared. It seems my Skunk neighbor was killed Sunday night. The cause of death is still unknown and will perhaps remain so (apparently skunk-autopsy is not a common practice). This said, it was not clear whether he was hit by the neighbor speeding out of his driveway at some bizarre early hour and then left along side our driveway to die a slow death. Or perhaps he spent his last moments entwined in an epic battle with the deer that has been rumored to be roaming the road (had to do that). Whatever the cause, I find myself grieving as I would wish death upon no creature (except most any spider which has the gall to come within 10 feet of my person). I suppose I only really longed for Skunkalufogus to relocate himself. Having no idea where a skunk would relocate to, I would have been satisfied being told he went to the skunk farm where all the little skunks waddle in harmony and enjoy peaceful seclusion from mankind. But no, his remains were discovered by my father who bravely scooped Skunkalufogus from the side of the drive way and placed him in a shiny bag which now sits at the bottom of the garbage can. Whenever I walk outside, I am reminded of the life of noble Skunkalufogus by the scent which emanates gloriously from the bin (at least until Thursday morning when he will be transported by tuck to his final resting place). RIP Skunkalufogus.

Skunk-apocalypse

What is the proper way to react to a skunk? I know what to do if a rabid dog comes bounding toward me, teeth barred, foaming at the mouth, and ready to bite my head off- act like a tree. What am I supposed to do if a skunk (only about a foot long and barely 2 inches from the ground) comes waddling toward me then raises that striped tail like peacock feathers and continues inching forward? I sure as hell am not acting like a tree.
I also don't think that scampering around in a circle emitting high pitched squeaks of fear is the proper tactic to avoid being sprayed. I tried this and did not get sprayed, but of course this could be a strange skunk. This little fellow has now approached me 4 times and I am beginning to think my luck can only last so long. I suppose I should stock up on tomato juice in case the attack does occur. In fact, we should all stock up on tomato juice. My dad encountered 5 skunks while jogging this evening. All that this could possibly mean is the skunk-apocalypse is fast approaching. Imagine, a world where skunks out number humans and waddle around spraying them with that terrible odor. First, blindness. Next, suffocation. Finally, the extermination of the human race. SKUNKAPOCALYPSE!